Baby’s Head Soft Spot #5 — The Biggest Loser


For years I have held the highest disdain for reality television shows. Maybe it was the first year of Survivor when Richard Hatch flaunted his pĂ©nis. And then there was the incident in Survivor All Stars where he cheated by smuggling a canister of matches up his ass. Or maybe it was the mere presence of that old stinkin’ homophobe, Rudy. I did let one of my old classes name themselves the Survivors for field day but that’s not something I’m proud of.

A few weeks ago I accidentally caught an episode of The Biggest Loser. I had heard of it because they keep having Biggest Loser contests at school. Last year there was a scandal when the coach did his initial weigh-in while wearing ankle weights under his warm-ups. Anyway, I thought BL was a straight forward weight losing contest but that would have taken all the drama out of the show. There are little tricks the producers throw in during elimination like when the host says, “I’m sorry, So&So, you’ve fallen below the yellow line. Should there be a tie, well, you lose…because you’re a big ol’ lesbo.” And you can’t have a reality show without alliances and elimination strategies either. There also has to be a resident bitch (Vicky, a contestant) and the monster who really has a heart of gold (Jillian, one of the trainers.)

Vicky is a force to be reckoned with. One of her own teammates said and I quote, “She’s crazy. She’ll claw your eyes out.” Nothing has infuriated Vicky as much as her husband, Brady, getting the axe a couple of weeks ago. The swing vote there was Amy and since then, Vicky turned on her with a long string of cuss words and an icy shoulder. Amy had a chance to eliminate Vicky the next week and she didn’t do it. She paid for that dearly — Vicky gave Amy the old heave-ho the next week. Amy appeared shocked. Ha.

What I’m saying is that I’m hooked. Like I was in the 70s when Luke raped Laura and then she magically fell in love with him. General Hospital led to One Life to Live because it was right before GH. And then All My Children. And then Ryan’s Hope, just to kill the 11 am hour. I think at one point, I even watched The Edge of Night.

Are you getting my point here? Just as one soap begets another, one reality show begets another — much like a long line of descendants from the Old Testament. I’ve started watching The Amazing Race (go Tina, go Tina — boo Starr & Nick) and Estate of Panic.

It may be time to stage an intervention.

Luke Jonas and Laura

Luke Jonas and Laura

Published in: on November 28, 2008 at 10:34 am  Leave a Comment  
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Jonas Brothers — Hey Hey, We’re the Doppelgangers

Nick, Joe, Kevin, and the Bonus

Nick, Joe, Kevin, and the Bonus

I was really looking forward to the Cowboy game today. Tony Romo’s pinkie seemed to be well, Pacman Jones was on the sidelines waiting to be reinstated after brawling with his own bodyguard, and we were playing the Seahawks, a 2 and 9 team. I was out of the kitchen by the 3:15 kick-off. I imagine that that is like being let out into “the yard” while you’re in the pen. The first half went well, with the Cowboys kicking some Seahawk ass.

I got some cherry pie and sat back to watch the half-time show. I was expecting a real show, like 2005 in Detroit when Mariah Carey re-enacted scenes from Glitter. But no, the entire Pacific Northwest had the last laugh after we hosted the world’s crappiest half-time show in 43 years — it was the Jonas Brothers, with a surprise visit from their bodyguard, Big Rob, who came out on stage in a Cowboy jersey. (It was obvious that Pacman would need a new bodyguard but who knew Jerry would tamper with players and security people.) Troy Aikman must have seen the rehearsals ’cause he kept his little girls up in the booth, well away from the flaming stage. Since these boys had some awfully big hair and couldn’t bust a move to save their lives, I was a little worried. The odds to witness tremendous carnage were with the house — these boys couldn’t sing or dance at all.

And then it hit me. They were a poor man’s Monkees. An extremely poor man’s Monkees. A destitute man’s Monkees, because the Monkees at least had charisma and their songs had a little bit of that hippie, good karma charm. And maybe I’m just old and listen to too much metal music but the Jonas Brothers don’t got it.

Still, there are parallels. The Brothers can’t sing, the Monkees supposedly didn’t play their own instruments. So you have Nick Jonas as Mickey Dolenz, Joe Jonas as Davy Jones, and Kevin ‘Sideburns’ Jonas as Michael Naismith. Poor Peter Tork, the quiet Monkee, has been replaced by the Bonus Jonas, Frank, who’s not even in the group yet.

Upon further review, it appears that I did not learn a lesson from the good karma Monkees lyrics:

Hey hey we’re the Monkees, people say we monkey around, but we’re too busy singing, to put anybody down.

Mickey, Michael, Davy, Peter

Mickey, Michael, Davy, Peter

Published in: on November 27, 2008 at 10:14 pm  Comments (3)  
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Quiz Flashback — What Mythological Creature Are You?

You Are the Fiji Mermaid


Let’s face it — you’ve seen better days. You’re a far cry from Ariel, the white-washed, romanticized pussy that people expect you to be.

You look like you might have been a “taxidermal hoax” and the decrepit state you’re in gives new meaning to the word flaky.

You gave up trying to impress the ladies, especially after the onslaught of female pattern baldness. You never had a chance anyway, seeing as you were probably a cross between a spider monkey and a piranha that was carefully pieced together in some back alley circus tent.

The happiest day of your life was when you washed up on the shores of Lake Texoma with some of your teeth still intact. That carnie tried to pull them all because he thought no one could properly analyze a skull without any teeth. That dumbass didn’t know shit about DNA.

The second happiest day of your life was when Jesus finally found you a mate — a mermaid of color, with a full head of hair, and a libido to match.


Nympho Mermaid

Published in: on November 7, 2008 at 5:41 pm  Leave a Comment  
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