Dem Bones

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It had to happen sooner or later. Researchers weren’t happy scraping around in the donated brains of the Einsteins of this world. (I can never eat chili in a bread bowl — it reminds me of Hannibal Lecter.) Now they want to dig up scientists’ corpses — specifically, Galileo — and figure out why they effed up their theories and calculations. Well, maybe not so much why they screwed up as much as make excuses for them.

So Galileo called it wrong about Saturn. It was round and ringed. We don’t need to make excuses for his bad eyesight. We don’t need to take DNA to try and pin it on his bad case of creeping juniper glaucoma or whatever. We don’t need to know about his arthritis, his night sweats, his bloody discharge (orifice unknown.) The Catholic church has readily admitted that Galileo finally went blind but you don’t see it making excuses for him. As a spokesman for the Pope said, “He was under house arrest with no visitors for years. Of course he went blind.”

What’s next? Will we start taking DNA from old has-been ball players? Shawn Bradley would have been great. If only he hadn’t had the Big White Stiff gene. Or worse. Will we start looking at ourselves and making excuses? Who knows. I might have to take my own DNA sample down to the admin building in defense of my crappy bulletin boards. Wouldn’t that make those nasty teacher unions even more powerful than they are now! They could get me a special dispensation for using store bought posters instead of handmade artsy stuff we’re supposed to do on our own. It would go down in my file in human resources — Must be allowed use of stencils due to lack of fine motor skills. No artistic bent whatsoever. Needs positive reinforcement. Kind of like an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) for professionals.

So maybe all those high-browed scientists should stop the madness and take a tip from us Texans — we only do exhumations here to see how tore up the body is.

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Published in: on January 23, 2009 at 9:57 pm  Comments (4)  
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Holy Blowout, Batman!

You might have known it would happen in Texas — where we don’t believe in crying “Uncle” and we obviously don’t listen when somebody does cry “Uncle!” In a regional TAPPS game, the Covenant girls basketball team obliterated the Dallas Academy girl’s team 100-0. The Covenant school is a religious school and when you peruse their website, all the students are dressed alike — much like the Von Trapp family. By contrast, Dallas Academy is a special needs school full of kids with short attention spans and dyslexia.

So how does a game get to this point? Well, evidently the Covenant girls were still doing a full court press well into the fourth quarter. There were eyewitness reports that Dallas players were wandering off the court and coming back with nachos. That’ll help you win a ballgame. And one of the score keepers heard some Covenant players taunting the Dallas girls with, “Yes, Jesus loves you; yes, Jesus loves you; yes, Jesus loves you but he cain’t help you now!”

The Covenenant website has a statement of regret on its news page. The Headmaster says, “This clearly does not reflect a Christ-like and honorable approach” blah, blah, blah. The same could be said for a lot of religious institutions.

The Dallas Academy girls seem to have take the loss pretty well, considering. However, upon post game interviews, they seem to have thought they won the game.

Published in: on January 23, 2009 at 5:23 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Armageddon Week

The End Is Near

The End Is Near

Up in the heavens a bewitching siren

Feeds on an all-beef wiener in front of the masses.

On the battle field runs a cowboy launching errant missiles

While the angry mob cries in the depths of hell.

–Nostradamus, Century XXI, quatrain 1

(Translation: Up in the skybox Jessica Simpson

Chows down on a hot dog on national tv.

Tony Romo, the Cowboys quarterback, has a shitty year

and we haven’t won a playoff game in twelve years.)

Yeah, it’s pretty obvious that I’ve been watching Armageddon week on the History Channel. I’ve come to know the Four Horsemen — although I don’t remember which color guy stands for what. There will be an anti-Christ but you can make it whoever you want him to be; I pick David Caruso. I understand the concept of the Apocalypse like never before. I can draw a Mayan calendar, predict the size of an asteroid crater, and calculate which world cities will be lost when the Greenland ice shelf melts into the ocean.

I became sufficiently worried enough that I actually looked up the elevation here in Dallas/Fort Worth. We’re 653 feet above sea level. However, London, you and Perth may have a problem. (Come live in the Gay Bunker with us when everything hits the fan. No Marmite, please.) My other friends should be okay. In the event of nuclear holocaust, we’re all screwed.

In any case I’m taking the lead of one of my old uncles who moved to Arkansas — specifically to live off the fat of the land, like George and Lenny — while preparing for the end of days. I’m planting a victory garden and filling up the bunker with Dinty Moore stew, vienna sausages, and Xena and Gabrielle posters. It’ll be just just like in my twenties and thirties — manual labor, crappy food, and the inability to get married.

The Anti-Christ

The Anti-Christ


Published in: on January 11, 2009 at 8:21 pm  Comments (7)  
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