Blonde Bomber and the Other White Meat

Let’s take a little test, shall we. If you are between the ages of 48 and 60, who were the two biggest names in the entire history of roller derby? Ann Calvello and Joanie Weston, baby! I was always much more of a Joanie fan and I never knew why until the last couple of days.

The Blonde Amazon

The Blonde Bomber

Yes, they were both phenomenal athletes but they differed in their attitudes and styles. Joanie was very stoic and in interviews seems a little reserved; she wasn’t flashy and didn’t appear to wear much makeup. In those wrestling-like set up interviews before a match, she wasn’t a trash talker — she would show you on the track who the best skater was. And to me, she was the best skater. She was fast and strong and could take down two players with a double stiff arm. Joanie wasn’t afraid to throw a punch either. Whether they were real or not is not for me to decide.

White LIght

Ann "Banana Nose" Calvello & her lips, the other white meat

Ann Calvello appeared to be the polar opposite of Joanie. The old televisions of the late 60s weren’t that great so we boomers missed a lot of important details. It wasn’t until the other night that I saw a closeup of Ann. I was a little freaked out, to put it mildly. She was probably 65 with the darkest TBT (Tanning Bed Tan) I’ve ever seen on a human being. I could have dealt with that but she appeared to have lips identical to Jimmy Stewart’s in the desert thriller, Flight of the Phoenix. I thought maybe they were pure skin grafts from areas of her body that had never seen the sun but I was relatively sure every part of her body had seen the sun. Then I thought, well maybe it’s psoriasis or some kind of rare skin cancer. She also wore these huge dangling disc earrings and about fifteen huge rings. It did cross my mind that those earrings were just a decoy to take your attention away from the blinding white light that was reflected from her lips. Anyway, I just knew there had to be something wrong with her so I decided to do some research.

Turns out it wasn’t a terrible fire or a heinous disease. She cultivated that look — with pale lip frosting. I’m no fashionista but there was only one poster child for white lipstick. Julie Christie. A brawling skater who’s broken her nose twelve times just can’t pull that look off. Maybe the earrings and frosting were supposed to work together in tandem to lessen the visual impact of those twelve broken noses or her tattooed weather-beaten skin.

When I finally bite the dust and follow that bright light to heaven, I fully expect for Ann Calvello to be standing there in all her frosted glory, lips puffed out and illuminating the way. And if things are bad and I’m having to fight my way in, I’ll just let Joanie Weston clear a path.

Watch and learn.

Published in: on April 23, 2009 at 7:16 pm  Leave a Comment  
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