Armageddon Week

The End Is Near

The End Is Near

Up in the heavens a bewitching siren

Feeds on an all-beef wiener in front of the masses.

On the battle field runs a cowboy launching errant missiles

While the angry mob cries in the depths of hell.

–Nostradamus, Century XXI, quatrain 1

(Translation: Up in the skybox Jessica Simpson

Chows down on a hot dog on national tv.

Tony Romo, the Cowboys quarterback, has a shitty year

and we haven’t won a playoff game in twelve years.)

Yeah, it’s pretty obvious that I’ve been watching Armageddon week on the History Channel. I’ve come to know the Four Horsemen — although I don’t remember which color guy stands for what. There will be an anti-Christ but you can make it whoever you want him to be; I pick David Caruso. I understand the concept of the Apocalypse like never before. I can draw a Mayan calendar, predict the size of an asteroid crater, and calculate which world cities will be lost when the Greenland ice shelf melts into the ocean.

I became sufficiently worried enough that I actually looked up the elevation here in Dallas/Fort Worth. We’re 653 feet above sea level. However, London, you and Perth may have a problem. (Come live in the Gay Bunker with us when everything hits the fan. No Marmite, please.) My other friends should be okay. In the event of nuclear holocaust, we’re all screwed.

In any case I’m taking the lead of one of my old uncles who moved to Arkansas — specifically to live off the fat of the land, like George and Lenny — while preparing for the end of days. I’m planting a victory garden and filling up the bunker with Dinty Moore stew, vienna sausages, and Xena and Gabrielle posters. It’ll be just just like in my twenties and thirties — manual labor, crappy food, and the inability to get married.

The Anti-Christ

The Anti-Christ


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Published in: on January 11, 2009 at 8:21 pm  Comments (7)  
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