It’s Showtime, Jesus!

Do you think that Jesus ever got around to his birthday every year and said to himself, “It’s showtime, Jesus!” Probably not, since he wasn’t swamped with a boatload of Christ child knick knacks every time he turned around.

I’ve been searching for the perfect nativity scene this year and I haven’t even been close to what I’m looking for. My grandmother had the perfect one — unbreakable statuettes (yet tastefully done), a big old manger, and a really good lookin’ baby. People like to pretend that a baby’s looks don’t matter but there was an expert on Antiques Road Show the other night who said, “If it ain’t pretty, it don’t sell.” And that goes double if you’re the Son of God. Nobody wants an ugly messiah.

In my search for this holy grail of nativity scenes, I’ve come across some very sophisticated seasonal stuff. One store had the Names of Jesus Bookends, with every conceivable Jesus nickname ever coined chiseled into the ends. There’s the Baby Jesus glitterdome, complete with plastica bébé in a little blue didie; this would probably only appeal to the most hardcore infantilists. But my personal favorite is the 3D Jesus postcard where Jesus is standing in front of a door. If you tip the card ever so slightly, Jesus comes a knockin’.

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Published in: on December 10, 2008 at 7:20 pm  Comments (2)  
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Monkey-in-a-Turban

Well, it’s official. My sister gave me the coolest gift ever on my 49th birthday. I didn’t think she could surpass the 3-D big-boobed-waitress-on-a-tile or the ceramic Three Little Pigs cookie cutter. And I think there was a Billy Bass in there somewhere. Oh, and a white pleather Bratz watch. But this year she gave me Monkey-in-a-Turban. It’s truly for the gal who already has everything — and I mean everything. He’s obviously the Arab or Indian version of our organ grinder’s monkey; I’m not sure what Monkey-in-a-Turban’s talent is. It looks like a clue was glued to his left palm but as it has fallen off, I’m stumped. I’m not sure which country wears red turbans but that’s insignificant when you look at the amount of pure D emotion in this monkey’s face. When the light hits his face just right, he looks like Grandpa Munster — who looked like my Nana when her blood count was too low.

And one more thing–Monkey-in-a-Turban is a bookend. Which explains why she just bought one of them.

Published in: on May 11, 2008 at 6:19 pm  Comments (4)  
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