Quiz Flashback — What Mythological Creature Are You?

You Are the Fiji Mermaid


Let’s face it — you’ve seen better days. You’re a far cry from Ariel, the white-washed, romanticized pussy that people expect you to be.

You look like you might have been a “taxidermal hoax” and the decrepit state you’re in gives new meaning to the word flaky.

You gave up trying to impress the ladies, especially after the onslaught of female pattern baldness. You never had a chance anyway, seeing as you were probably a cross between a spider monkey and a piranha that was carefully pieced together in some back alley circus tent.

The happiest day of your life was when you washed up on the shores of Lake Texoma with some of your teeth still intact. That carnie tried to pull them all because he thought no one could properly analyze a skull without any teeth. That dumbass didn’t know shit about DNA.

The second happiest day of your life was when Jesus finally found you a mate — a mermaid of color, with a full head of hair, and a libido to match.


Nympho Mermaid

Published in: on November 7, 2008 at 5:41 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Wheatstacks In Summer With Chupacabra!

We already know what the rest of America thinks about Texans. We either live in trailers or mansions but we all vote Republican. We all sound as intelligent as George Bush — “the economy is bad because Wall Street got drunk.” We think the jackalope is real. So sound the alarm.

Chupacabra is coming for our women and cheeldren! Or maybe our nannies and keeds. But he’s out there. My granddaddy used to keep us in line with stories about chupacabra. “He’ll bite two holes in your neck, stick a couple of big long Sonic straws in there, and drain the blood right out of yore body. You won’t be nothing but a set of tinkling bone chimes when he gets done with you.”

We’ve just only recently recovered from the killing of a monkey on a ranch in the Hill Country and now we’re trying to explain the chupacabra that a sheriff’s deputy got on tape. His convincing video and audio tape from the edge of some farm land in Cuero County has just been released to the public:

Deputy: What in the hell is that thang? It don’t have no fur on it. I think it’s a coyote or a jacked up weiner dog. But with a donkey’s head. (Pauses, then hits the gas) I won’t catch it if I don’t go at least 90. (Dust cloud obscures the animal and Deputy radios in) You won’t believe this! I just saw a chupacabra!

So scientists can continue their skepticism over chupacabra. We think he’s real and he’s here to stay. The clarity of the 1 pixel dusty webcam proves it. However, I was a little disappointed that chupacabra looked like a short, fat dog and not the birdman from Jeepers Creepers.

Published in: on August 16, 2008 at 12:29 am  Comments (3)  
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