A Little Nod to Jesus

I had to work today but since it is Good Friday, I thought I’d give a little nod to Jesus. I briefly thought about driving to Eureka Springs, Arkansas, to see the Great Passion played out in an amphitheater (with live animals) but I like my guilt and thankfulness to be squeezed into five minutes instead of three hours. Also, I’ve watched Divinyls videos all afternoon and I don’t think any actor could command the stage the way Christina Amphlett did.

Since I have music on the brain today, I’ll just pay homage by embedding a video that combines a Hollywood Jesus and a great rock song. It’s what Jesus would have wanted.

Published in: on April 10, 2009 at 7:02 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Holy Blowout, Batman!

You might have known it would happen in Texas — where we don’t believe in crying “Uncle” and we obviously don’t listen when somebody does cry “Uncle!” In a regional TAPPS game, the Covenant girls basketball team obliterated the Dallas Academy girl’s team 100-0. The Covenant school is a religious school and when you peruse their website, all the students are dressed alike — much like the Von Trapp family. By contrast, Dallas Academy is a special needs school full of kids with short attention spans and dyslexia.

So how does a game get to this point? Well, evidently the Covenant girls were still doing a full court press well into the fourth quarter. There were eyewitness reports that Dallas players were wandering off the court and coming back with nachos. That’ll help you win a ballgame. And one of the score keepers heard some Covenant players taunting the Dallas girls with, “Yes, Jesus loves you; yes, Jesus loves you; yes, Jesus loves you but he cain’t help you now!”

The Covenenant website has a statement of regret on its news page. The Headmaster says, “This clearly does not reflect a Christ-like and honorable approach” blah, blah, blah. The same could be said for a lot of religious institutions.

The Dallas Academy girls seem to have take the loss pretty well, considering. However, upon post game interviews, they seem to have thought they won the game.

Published in: on January 23, 2009 at 5:23 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Black Market Jesus

There’s a new trend in life size nativity scene security this year — GPS tracking. Churches are attaching microchips to the little Jesuses’ ears like farmers do with cattle or prize hogs. This has paid off several times because the different nativity statues have been tracked down and restored to their rightful owners.

When the local sheriff was asked what the average value of a black market Jesus was he said, “It depends on a couple of things. Like whether there was realistic swaddling clothes or if his little tallywacker was shorn.” He then added, “We caught a couple of boys ’cause they tried to unload some Baby Jesuses to a downtown synagogue.”

As to the value of the other nativity scene pieces, the sheriff said that black market lambs and oxen fetch more than Jesuses in rural parts of the county. “I’ve never seen such violated animals in all my life,” he said. “We found a big plastic ox in one boy’s barn and just had to have it put down.”

Published in: on December 17, 2008 at 1:47 am  Comments (2)  
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It’s Showtime, Jesus!

Do you think that Jesus ever got around to his birthday every year and said to himself, “It’s showtime, Jesus!” Probably not, since he wasn’t swamped with a boatload of Christ child knick knacks every time he turned around.

I’ve been searching for the perfect nativity scene this year and I haven’t even been close to what I’m looking for. My grandmother had the perfect one — unbreakable statuettes (yet tastefully done), a big old manger, and a really good lookin’ baby. People like to pretend that a baby’s looks don’t matter but there was an expert on Antiques Road Show the other night who said, “If it ain’t pretty, it don’t sell.” And that goes double if you’re the Son of God. Nobody wants an ugly messiah.

In my search for this holy grail of nativity scenes, I’ve come across some very sophisticated seasonal stuff. One store had the Names of Jesus Bookends, with every conceivable Jesus nickname ever coined chiseled into the ends. There’s the Baby Jesus glitterdome, complete with plastica bébé in a little blue didie; this would probably only appeal to the most hardcore infantilists. But my personal favorite is the 3D Jesus postcard where Jesus is standing in front of a door. If you tip the card ever so slightly, Jesus comes a knockin’.


Published in: on December 10, 2008 at 7:20 pm  Comments (2)  
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Baby’s Head Soft Spot #2 — Irrational Fear of the Red Chinese

Who knows where such an irrational fear starts? Maybe with those cousins who had me convinced that the Red Chinese were gonna cross the Mexican border and take over Texas. Maybe it was the old movie Terror of the Tongs. ‘Course this was mightily contradicted by my second grade “vision” of Jesus walking across our school crosswalk. It was a traditional White Boy Jesus with ivory skin tone and golden hair, although he was wearing some tire-tread sandals and a satin boxing robe emblazoned with the initials, JC. He was here to save us all from the Red Chinese and the Russians! Luckily, I never told anyone about this vision because Jesus never made a real appearance. But then, neither did the Red Chinese.

Published in: on April 15, 2008 at 4:23 pm  Comments (1)  
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The Creation of Big Tex

Anyone who regularly attends the State Fair of Texas thinks it’s a religious experience — they just couldn’t prove it. But now new photos lend credence to that religious theory. Big Tex, in his latest incarnation, actually talks and waves and uses a spittoon. His vocabulary is limited but like most Texans, he compensates for that with a loud delivery. But what were his humble beginnings? Was he crudely conceived as a gigantic Charlie McCarthy-ish hick, a slim-hipped Santa, or a barrel-chested, hook-nosed Jesus?

To answer that question, you have only to look at the fiberglass statue itself. Big Tex actually underwent a nose job and an eye-retooling back in the 1960s which would lend credence to the Jesus theory. Others purportedly saw the huge statue with a white beard and red hat but since this only occurred in East Texas, those sightings have been discounted. The most interesting theory is Adam’s Big Bang which shows Big Tex reaching out to some Higher Power for the spark of life.

You be the judge.

The Creation of Big Tex

Published in: on October 27, 2007 at 8:01 pm  Comments (5)  
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