Quiz Flashback — What Mythological Creature Are You?

You Are the Fiji Mermaid

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Let’s face it — you’ve seen better days. You’re a far cry from Ariel, the white-washed, romanticized pussy that people expect you to be.

You look like you might have been a “taxidermal hoax” and the decrepit state you’re in gives new meaning to the word flaky.

You gave up trying to impress the ladies, especially after the onslaught of female pattern baldness. You never had a chance anyway, seeing as you were probably a cross between a spider monkey and a piranha that was carefully pieced together in some back alley circus tent.

The happiest day of your life was when you washed up on the shores of Lake Texoma with some of your teeth still intact. That carnie tried to pull them all because he thought no one could properly analyze a skull without any teeth. That dumbass didn’t know shit about DNA.

The second happiest day of your life was when Jesus finally found you a mate — a mermaid of color, with a full head of hair, and a libido to match.

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Nympho Mermaid

Published in: on November 7, 2008 at 5:41 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Educators + Federales = Ederales

I just knew when I heard the news that it had happened in Texas first. I mean, this is the great state that made cheerleading so competitive that Wanda Holloway, mother of a high school cheerleader, wanted to take out the mother of another cheerleader on the squad. Houston is responsible for David Koresh, the Branch Davidian maniac. And then there’s Dubya. But we’re not taking all the credit for him since he does have elitist New England roots.

What am I talking about? I’m talking about having Texas teachers in the classroom — armed and dangerous. The tiny school district of Harrold — sensing danger because they are so close to the Oklahoma border — became the first in the WORLD to enact a policy which is going to allow teachers to carry a firearm. Of course they will be required to have training and a permit. We can all feel better about that.

I can see it now. There will be the usual rules posted in the classrooms. Stay in your seat. Keep hands and feet to yourself. No food or gum in the classroom. Be respectful to your classmates.

The consequences will be slightly altered. Warning. Time out. Phone call home. Weapon drawn. “Bubba, I done talked to you about them baggy drawers.”

Published in: on August 18, 2008 at 6:37 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Big Bopper Conspiracy Theory

It’s November in Texas and that can only mean one thing — conspiracy theories will come out of the wood work. JFK, Oswald, and Jack Ruby theories usually abound but it seems a different one has been brewing down in South Texas. A few days ago, the casket of the Big Bopper was exhumed at Forest Lawn Cemetery in Beaumont, Texas. Now, I’ve seen his gravesite — right after Hurricane Rita — and I can tell you that it wasn’t very impressive, given that the Big Bopper was such an imposing man and phenomenal songwriter. But the old casket evidently held up pretty well as the Big Bopper was still looking pretty dapper. According to one witness, “The Bopper had dang beautiful skin. And he didn’t have no bullet holes in him neither.” I guess the Big Bopper Jr. was worried that Buddy Holly might have shot him because his gun was found at the airplane crash site 50 freakin’ years ago. Like Buddy was trying to steal the lyrics to “The Purple People Eater Meets the Witch Doctor.” I rest my case. Can you say publicity stunt?

But that’s not what’s important here. I’m going on the record here and now that I don’t want to be pickled and buried. I want to be cremated. If I died tomorrow, I don’t want people oohing and aahing over the state of my body — “She always did have a poor complexion” or “she should have worn a hat more often.” Everybody don’t have the Bopper’s beautiful skin.

And I could never pull off a hat like he did.

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Published in: on November 4, 2007 at 6:49 pm  Comments (1)  
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Review: Pippi in the Hill Country

Downhome Pippi

Somebody has to say it — the 53rd addition to the Pippi Longstocking series has gotten downright depressing. Pippi, now 45, still has her familiar projectile pigtails but she’s having difficulty making ends meet at Rancho Ranchadillo in the Texas Hill Country. Not only is she struggling with the lingo, but the Austin chapter of PETA has staged protests over the way she manhandles her horse. And to top that off the local Humane Society investigator, Miss Bobo, makes a visit to the ranch because of some accusations concerning poor living conditions for Mr. Nilsson. Ironically, Pippi is no longer the victim of less than desirable parental supervision — she is the perpetrator.

The book isn’t all bad, though. I’m giving a big thumbs-up to the dialogue, especially from Miss Bobo as she threateningly drawls, “Pippi, put some pants on or the Law’s gonna take away your monkey.”

Published in: on October 20, 2007 at 7:50 am  Comments (5)  
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