For years I have held the highest disdain for reality television shows. Maybe it was the first year of Survivor when Richard Hatch flaunted his pénis. And then there was the incident in Survivor All Stars where he cheated by smuggling a canister of matches up his ass. Or maybe it was the mere presence of that old stinkin’ homophobe, Rudy. I did let one of my old classes name themselves the Survivors for field day but that’s not something I’m proud of.
A few weeks ago I accidentally caught an episode of The Biggest Loser. I had heard of it because they keep having Biggest Loser contests at school. Last year there was a scandal when the coach did his initial weigh-in while wearing ankle weights under his warm-ups. Anyway, I thought BL was a straight forward weight losing contest but that would have taken all the drama out of the show. There are little tricks the producers throw in during elimination like when the host says, “I’m sorry, So&So, you’ve fallen below the yellow line. Should there be a tie, well, you lose…because you’re a big ol’ lesbo.” And you can’t have a reality show without alliances and elimination strategies either. There also has to be a resident bitch (Vicky, a contestant) and the monster who really has a heart of gold (Jillian, one of the trainers.)
Vicky is a force to be reckoned with. One of her own teammates said and I quote, “She’s crazy. She’ll claw your eyes out.” Nothing has infuriated Vicky as much as her husband, Brady, getting the axe a couple of weeks ago. The swing vote there was Amy and since then, Vicky turned on her with a long string of cuss words and an icy shoulder. Amy had a chance to eliminate Vicky the next week and she didn’t do it. She paid for that dearly — Vicky gave Amy the old heave-ho the next week. Amy appeared shocked. Ha.
What I’m saying is that I’m hooked. Like I was in the 70s when Luke raped Laura and then she magically fell in love with him. General Hospital led to One Life to Live because it was right before GH. And then All My Children. And then Ryan’s Hope, just to kill the 11 am hour. I think at one point, I even watched The Edge of Night.
Are you getting my point here? Just as one soap begets another, one reality show begets another — much like a long line of descendants from the Old Testament. I’ve started watching The Amazing Race (go Tina, go Tina — boo Starr & Nick) and Estate of Panic.
It may be time to stage an intervention.
Luke Jonas and Laura
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