The Getaway Car
Dallas is the Andy Dick of big cities right now. It has a high crime rate already — murders, gang violence, rapes, etc. — but it appears the worst is yet to come.
Office creepers. Coming to an office building near you. The creepers are thieves that pretend to be delivery guys, repair men, custodial staff, and even co-workers. They mill around until an unsuspecting victim takes that overly long break and then, bam — somebody’s missing a laptop or iPod. It’s even happening in some locked office buildings where employees are kind enough to hold the door open for the perpetrators.
Today, local news stations were warning the general public that office creepers were at large. The victims’ emotions are apparently so raw that they cannot face reporters. One brave woman did manage to do a Tony the Tiger style interview with her back to the camera. “It was awful,” she cried. “Somebody’s got to stop ’em before they violate someone else.”
Speaking on condition of anonymity, a policeman said, “This is far more terrifying than the gypsy crime spree of 1987 where you’d have a roving band enter a convenience store, fondle a 30-year-old meth addict, thus causing a big ass commotion, whereupon someone would stuff an entire counter of health-and-beauty-aids down his parachute pants. Then, they ran like hell.”
The only thing worse for Dallas would be for one of their sports heroes to get suspended for making misogynist comments about his sloppy seconds. Oh wait — that happened to us yesterday.
Sean Avery & His Sloppy Second, Elisha Cuthbert
Stackhat's Soft Spot 